If spanking really works, why do you have to do it so often?

Aquanatal and Operation: Popeye

Aquanatal is simply wonderful.  I went to my second class last night.  The regular instructor-midwife was out last week because her sister was in labor, but she was back this week and worked us a bit harder than her substitute.  Plus, the regular instructor-midwife's accent was softer and easier for me to understand, so I was able to keep up with the routine and conversation better.

Even though I'm not the slimmest mum in the class, I seem to be the most fit.  I attribute this to keeping up after my son.  For the arm strength exercises, I wasn't having any issues while my exercise partners were wincing.  My years in competitive swimming has also been showing through in exercises that require just arm strokes or leg cycles, or in relaxation floating.  A bit of a compliment too-- the instructor was asking if I'd still be swimming competitively if I wasn't pregnant.  "Oh hell no... I haven't swum competitively for years and years, but it just sticks with you.  I hope all my babies are water babies."

And then my age showed when we were asked who were first time mums and who were already mums.  Most of the class raised their hands to first time mums.  "Who has one or more?"  Only mine and one other hand was up.  "Who has two or more?" That question left only my hand up.  "Boy or girl?  How old are they?"  I grinned nervously and answered that one's a girl and she's off to college (its usually quicker and easier to just say that since we're supposed to disclose all completed pregnancies to midwives)... the next is a boy and he's 16 months old.  And this next one is a girl.  The stares from the other mums are all shock: what an age gap!

The class is very enjoyable-- I'm getting a lot out of it and feeling good about myself.  I'm meeting other mums and sharing stories.  I think once both kids are at nursery, I'll look into a water aerobics class-- it's just been that good.  And its just a great break from having Arthur to myself for the full day, at the end of it.  If I have any frustration from our day, I can work it off then and come back home feeling refreshed mentally and physically.

The biggest frustration lately:  I'm embroiled in that age old parent versus child war on veggies.  Arthur used to be great with vegetables.  I was so proud when he got excited and even grunted for his broccoli.  Since he had that stomach bug weeks ago, however, and I gave him whatever he could keep down, he's decided he doesn't want his veg anymore and its been difficult to even get him excited about fruit now.  Its been bread.  Bread. Bread. Bread.  Crackers, breadsticks, toast, muffins... that's about all he'll take with the same enthusiastic gusto that he used to have for fruit and veg.  It breaks my heart and sometimes I can't even bear to watch him eat all that 'junk' while dumping all the 'good stuff' onto the floor.

Meanwhile, hubby says, "He's just being a typical toddlers.  He's still thriving.  He's still slender and active.  He'll outgrow it.  Just relax."  Well, maybe.  But I still have this overwhelming urge to ensure that Arthur's getting the most nutritious diet possible.  There is so much conflicting information out there on the subject.

A lot of parents have resorted to offering nothing but vegetables, or else sending their kids to bed hungry.  I just can't bring myself to do that.  I think its cruel and there are too many kids in the world who doesn't have a choice in going to bed hungry.  What a terrible luxury it is to have that as an option!  Most wouldn't do that to an adult, why do it to a child?

I wrote an article about Picky Toddler Eaters a while back, but it seems like the rules have changed.  I've research and referenced Dr. Sear's Feeding the Picky Eater: 17 Tips.  It is reassuring to read about toddler food binges.  We've tried the nibbler tray, but again, Arthur's reaching for only breaded items from the tray.  I've tried dips, but so far they just make Arthur gag.  Spreading and topping have similar results.  So, I'm giving 'Drink it' a go.  Today, I've added a new tool to my arsenal.  I now own a hand blender.

Besides bread, I can get Arthur to take drinkable yogurt in his sippy cups.  So, I have devised a plan for hiding veg in his eats... we're making smoothies and I'm adding spinach to them.  Plus, if I'm serving food with a sauce, that sauce gets treated as well.  I got three sippy cups ready to go.

Here's the quick recipe, if there's any interest...

• 1 small cup of yogurt
• 1 small banana
• 2 tablespoon scoops of blueberries (wonderful superfood)
• Eyeballed equal portion of fresh spinach leaves with their stems removed
• Splash of milk to consistency

And blend it with the hand blender.  Quick clean up.  Small footprint for storage and counter space too.  If I had known about this hand blender before getting the food processor-- because it does come with attachments for chopping-- I wouldn't have bothered with the food processor.  Since its smaller, its just perfect for preparing quick, fresh, single sized children meals.  It's going to get a lot of use after Victoria starts on solids.


Hopefully, I'll have some good news to report on Operation: Popeye.

50 Pre-Schooler Fine Motor Skills Activies

Here's a list of pre-schooler activities that involve the children learning how to use fine motor skills:

1. Writing
2. Drawing
3. Painting
4. Coloring
5. Chalks
6. Lego Play
7. Playing with Cards
8. Handling Scissors
9. Stringing Beads onto Pipecleaners
10. Play Dough
11. Puzzle Boards
12. Jigsaw Puzzles
13. Shape Sorting Toys
14. Finger Foods
15. Tissue Paper Mosaics
16. Food Preparation
17. Hanging Items on a Clothesline
18. Playing with Clothespins and the edges of boxes
19. Using a Spoon to pick up beads
20. Sewing and Lacing Cards
21. Gluing Beans onto Colored Paper
22. Sand Art
23. Pouring something from one container to another
24. Mixing Colors
25. Finger Puppets
26. Playing with Musical Instruments
27. Peg Boards
28. Zippers
29. Buttons
30. Velcro Strips
31. Tying Shoelaces
32. Snaps
33. Turning Pages
34. Playing with Pom poms and a muffin pan
35. Pipe Cleaners and Colanders
36. Screwing Nuts and Bolts
37. Playing with Stickers
38. Hole Puncher Crafts
39. Playing with Syringes and Turkey Basters
40. Playing with Kitchen Tongs
41. Stacking Blocks
42. Mr. Potato Head
43. Dropping Coins into a Piggy Bank
44. Making a Pine Cone Bird Feeder
45. Playing with Squirt Guns
46. Playing Tea Party
47. Squeezing Water out of Sponges
48. Sand and/or Water Tables
49. Turning Door Knobs
50. Folding Paper

Preparing Children for their First Day of School

This is mostly a transcript of my notes with my thoughts thrown in based on a class that I'm currently taking.

How to Prepare Your Child for Their First Day of School

Be positive, confident and enthusiastic about school.  Children are intuitive and pick up on what mom is feeling very easily, so its doubly important to remain upbeat about this important transition in their lives.  A number of activities can help both you and your child feel happier about this change.

• Buy uniform and school supplies together
• Talk about what they can anticipate out of their school day
• Walk by the school that they'll be attending frequently and talk it up
• Point out children your child already knows who goes to that school
• Read books together about the first day at school

If you have any fears, do a few things to help alleviate those fears.

• Meet the staff and ask about how the child's daily routine is going to be so that you can share this information with your child
• Ask about how long drop offs are and take that time to engage your child in activities going on at the school or nursery.  Some schools will have as much as a half hour for parents to visit with their children before they actually start their classes

Even before the first day of school, you can get a sense for how your child will take to being separated from mom at home.

• Go to a 'taster' day... a time when children can be dropped off at the school for about an hour to see how they adjust on their own
• Join community classes such as these that also utilize a 'creche' (hourly on-site child care) so that your child can experience being left with a play group while mom is in the next room

Skyrim, Drop In And Play, Aquanatal, and Baby Prep

Yes, I know I've been quiet here.  I took some time off to play Skyrim a bit.  I used to game a lot and now just do small quick spurts when it strikes me and I'll likely have less and less time to game at all in the upcoming months.

I've also been keeping busy with a few additions to our weekly routine.  Thursdays with Arthur at Drop in and Play has been enjoyable and helpful for both of us.  I'm so proud that he's the only toddler who pitches in at clean up time, though he won't take the fruit snack that they provide.  And I caught him singing, "The Wheels on the Bus" on his own this past week, which is usually the first song we sing after snacks.

Then later on Thursdays, I also go to Aquanatal, which is kind of like gentle water aerobics for pregnant moms.  I think this first round of Aquanatal has shifted things in my gut a bit.  I'm suddenly not able to eat as much at meals.  My pregnancy is much more pronounced, and I can feel Victoria's movements much higher, as high as two inches above my navel.  But I enjoy the class and a couple of the moms there are familiar to me, so I'm looking forward to making some friends.

We've also been doing some baby prep.  English mums have what's called 'V-day', meaning 'Viable Day' ... 24 weeks gestation when parents can expect that their babies will survive early labor with a strong likelihood of a normal outcome.  My v-day is this Thursday.  Therefore, its the time to be sure to have car seats bought, bassinet set up, newborn clothes ready to go, and the hospital bag packed.  We're about £60 short of having all of the basic essentials ready.  Infant bath and baby swing still needs to be unboxed, but her moses basket is ready.  She has loads of clothes to start out in.  I need to pick up a few travel sized toiletries and then I'm set.

I also managed to get my husband on board with being a more active birth partner this time around.  When I went to deliver Arthur, I took for granted that my husband knew everything he needed to know about how to support me.  He didn't know, and I think that contributed to my c-section.  He didn't feel empowered, especially what with being a foreigner in the US, to counter what the doctor told us.  Now that he's learned so much about how things outside of the US goes, he believes the doctor outright lied to us.  He's very adamant and committed towards seeing me through Victoria's delivery safely while honoring my wishes.

Beef Yakitori

Who knew Japanese could be so easy-peasy?!?!  Inspired by AllRecipes.

Ingredients

• 1/2 cup soy sauce
• 2 tablespoons vegetable oil
• 2 tablespoons lemon juice
• 1 tablespoon sesame seeds
• 2 tablespoons white sugar
• 2 green onions, thinly sliced
• 1 garlic clove, minced (I can't mince well, so I thinly sliced and chopped mine)
• 1/2 teaspoon ground ginger
• 1 pound cubed steak

Method

Stir all of the ingredients together (except for the cubed steak) into a nice marinade.

Let the beef cubes sit in the marinade for four hours.  I stirred mine about every half hour to make sure each cube was well covered.  It was a torturous wait as the marinade smells that good!

I ended up doing the marinade overnight this time around because some other dinner plans came up.  I do not recommend doing this, unless you like your beef yakitori to come out a bit more like beef jerky-- which isn't terrible but I would have liked my meat to have come out more succulent.

Skewer the cubes and set the marinade aside.

Grill the skewered beef for 10-15 minutes.  I did mine in the oven, on broil, turning them every few minutes until I was satisfied with how the beef cooked.

Serve with vegetables stir fried with the remaining marinade sauce and a nice side of rice.

Hubby recommends doing this one as a steak (and that would likely call for overnight marinade).

Things my son teaches me about himself

My son taught me something about himself this morning.

He knows how to walk.  He chooses not to.

This was demonstrated to me after he crawled to me carrying his bib (he has a strange obsession with wanting to wear his bibs all of the time now), standing up to take his bib and then walking half way across the kitchen before stooping down to crawl again.  His walk was perfect—not the hastened run that most first time walkers do where they rush ahead and barely manage to keep their feet under themselves.

His walk was poised, purposeful, balanced, deliberate and controlled.  His walk was experienced.

Chris and I were eating cereal at the table when this happened and Chris just about dropped his bowl in astonishment.  I remarked to Chris, “He did the same thing with his crawling—he knew how to crawl, but insisted on scooting.  He knew how to do it, but chose not to.”  Back then, I was honestly beginning to believe he’d never crawl but go straight to walking, like his older half sister did.

I glanced over at Chris, “I hope he doesn’t do that with his academics.” (knowing how to, but then not applying himself) And then I smiled, realizing, “That reminds me of someone else’s academic career…” and I eyed Chris with playful accusation.

Chris muttered under his breath, jokingly, “F--- you.”  To rub it in harder, I gave Chris another knowing look after a few moments of quiet.  We laughed.

At least if he does, I told Chris, because you’ve been there and done that, you can help me steer our son towards doing well anyways.  This is something I’ll need to keep in mind for the future—in how our little boy decides he wants to be.

Thursday was a full day

Thursday was the 20 week gender/anatomy scan for our next baby; watching the Olympic Torch go by; and my first Aquanatal class.  It made for an action packed day that even sent my son off to bed early without a bath because he was so exhausted.

First up was dropping Arthur off at his grandma’s while Chris and I went for the 20 week anatomy and gender scan for our next baby.  The baby presented very well for the ultrasound tech/midwife… she was able to quickly and easily get all of the baby’s measurements.  The baby is measuring perfectly for its gestation.  All of the organs, limbs, fingers, and toes are there.  Brain development looks normal.  Hearbeat is strong and all chambers and the baby’s aorta showed clearly.  This baby’s just perfect.

We finally got the gender… and it’s a girl.  Her name is Victoria Ann.  I am so over the moon—I really wanted a little girl.

There after, I spoke to a specialist about birthing options.  The midwives have been treating me with kit gloves a bit since I had a c-section with Arthur.  In England, c-sections are not nearly as common as they are in the US—most areas rate 10% or less c-section rate.  VBACs overall are preferred and there’s a good rate for VBAC success in England—around 87%.  So while I’m not going to have to fight for my VBAC like I did when I was in the US, the specialist was a little doomsday about how their threshold for recommending a c-section is much lower when someone has already had a c-section.

We deliberated over fetal monitoring for quite a while.  They of course recommend continuous fetal monitoring for prior c-sections moms to watch for any uterine ruptures.  I of course said, that’s rubbish, let’s do intermittent monitoring because no one can show me what the electronic signature for a uterine rupture looks like.  How do you tell if there’s a uterine rupture?  Pain and bleeding in between contractions.  I’ve given birth before… I trust my body will know what its doing and I trust I’ll know when the pain’s not right.

Wearing a fetal monitor won’t change that.  I want a warm bath if I need help in managing the pain.  I want to be able to walk laps and stairs if my labor stalls out.  Don’t make me decide to stay home until I’m stage 2, please.

We also talked a bit about using pitocin if needed.  I looked at the specialist sceptically, “won’t that cause more pressure on my c-section scar?” He honestly responded that it would which is why they would have to use it carefully.  I asked him if I’d be given other options first, like walking, bouncing on a ball, labouring upright?  The specialist resolved that it sounded like I had my mind made up and that those choices were ultimately up to the midwives and OB on duty when I’m in labor.

The culture for birthing in England is very different from the US.  The majority of c-sections done here are actually elected c-sections.  So often when a woman’s had a c-section, it’s because she elected it and likely wants another one.  So I think that the specialist was glad he wouldn’t have to sway me like that (try a VBAC first?), but I don’t think he was ready for the sort of sway he ended up having to do (no intervention please).

I’ll be making up a list of things to do and try during labor for both myself and Chris to refer to that we’ll push for before I’m given the drip or put under the knife again.  I’m considering adding to the list not to tell me how far dilated I am so that it doesn’t undermine my confidence.

I also asked about keeping my placenta, which the specialist said I’m absolutely permitted to do.  He mentioned encapsulation with a wrinkled nose and then how Muslims often keep theirs to bury and asked out of curiosity, what I would do with mine.  I responded jokingly, it’s a Native American thing… he looked astonished and curious at that and I laughed and told him encapsulation.  Time to get the food dehydrator on order.

After the appointment, Arthur and I had a few hours at home to relax a bit before going to see the Olympic Torch go by, about a mile from our house.  Chris took off early from work to go with us and the weather held—we were half expecting rain.  We found a really good spot for seeing the Torch turning slowly past a corner before it continued on.  Very cool stuff—once in a lifetime and I’m glad to have had Arthur and Victoria there to see it.

Aquanatal ended up getting cancelled.  I’m pretty annoyed with that.  I was told that it was for pool maintenance and that it was cancelled next week as well, but phone in a couple of weeks from now to see if it was still on.  Seriously?  Pool maintenance shouldn’t take two weeks to do.  I had been phoning the Wigan Life Centre earlier this week to find out if they were open on Jubilee Tuesday and they didn’t know.  So I think its time to pen a letter to management about their scheduling difficulties.  I want to take Arthur swimming, but if I’m not able to go check out the facilities first hand, I don’t feel confident taking a toddler where I don’t know what to anticipate.

It was an early night to bed for all of us.

Garlic and Lemon Breaded Cheese Stuffed Chicken

I did up this recipe tonight for dinner and sent some off to the grandparents as well...

Ingredients

• Oil for greasing the baking pan
• 4 boneless, skinless chicken breasts
• 4oz cream cheese (herb, if desired)
• 4oz shredded cheddar cheese (I used white, mild Lancashire cheddar)
• 1/4 cup milk
• 1 egg
• 1-1/2 cups crushed Corn Flakes (can also use Italian breadcrumbs or even 'Cheerio Dust', but Corn Flakes gives the best color and flavor, imho)
• 1/2 cup grated Parmesan cheese
• 1 tablespoon minced garlic
• 3/4 cup melted butter
• 4 tablespoons lemon juice
• 1/2 teaspoon garlic salt
• 1/2 teaspoon paprika

Method

Preheat oven to 175 degrees Celsius and oil the baking dish.

Butterfly the chicken breasts. If you have smaller breasts, get a meat tenderizing mallet and gently work the chicken to spread the 'wings'.

Mix the cheddar cheese into the cream cheese.

Spoon out the cheese mix into the butterfly wings. Spread the mixture with your fingers and then close the wings, wrapping the chicken around the cheese mixture inside. The cream cheese does a good job at holding and sealing the chicken together.

Break the egg into one bowl and add the milk. Beat the mixture to a nice omelet consistency.


Add the Corn Flakes and Parmesan cheese to another bowl.

Dip the chicken into the omelet mix and then bread them generously in the Corn Flakes and Parmesan.

Place the chicken onto your baking pan or into your casserole.

Melt the butter in your measuring cup. Add the lemon juice and minced garlic and mix.

Drizzle the butter, garlic, lemon sauce onto the chicken breasts. Pour the remaining sauce around the chicken breasts.

 Season with garlic salt and paprika to taste.

Bake in the oven for 30 minutes.

Here's what mine looked like when it came out of the oven!

Crock Pot Lasagna

And here, I thought lasagna was hard to do!  What was really surprising about this dish was that I was afraid it would turn out too runny what with cooking slowly covered in a crock pot.  But not only did it come out perfect, it even had a little crunchy cheese here and there.  NOM!  My husband lifted the cover 30 minutes after I had spooned the ingredients into the crock pot and was ready to renew his wedding vows right then and there.

Serves 8.  Prep time approx. 1 hour.  Cooks for 4-5 hours.

Ingredients

• 1lb minced beef
• 1 chopped onion
• 2 smashed garlic cloves
• 1 can chopped tomatoes
• 1 can tomato paste
• 1-1/2 teaspoon garlic salt
• 1 teaspoon Italian seasoning mix
• 12oz cottage cheese
• 1/2 cup grated Parmesan cheese
• 16oz shredded mozzarella cheese
• 12oz lasagna noodles

Method

1. Brown beef, onion and garlic in a frying pan
2. Add chopped tomatoes, tomato paste, and seasoning and mix
3. Cook long enough for this meat sauce to get warm
4. Spoon a layer of meat sauce into the bottom of the slow cooker
5. Top the meat sauce layer with two layers of lasagna noodles.  Break up the noodles to fit them around the inside
6. Top this noodle layer with the cheese.  I found that spreading 2-3 tablespoons of cottage cheese first helps 'anchor' down the noodles.  Then spread the mozzarella followed by Parmesan.
7. Repeat adding a layer of meat sauce, followed by a layer of noodles, followed by a layer of cheeses again and again until all of your ingredients are used up.  I was able to get 3 layers in.
8. Cover and cook on low heat for 4-5 hours.

Where in the heck have I been?

Who taught my son how to share?

I've been sick and still sorta sick.  I got a touch of that stomach virus that my son had, that he also shared with his grandmother.  It was like morning sickness all over again, complete with broken blood vessels in my face.  Then it turned towards my throat and now chest.  It has also been alternating days when it strikes.  For example, last Monday I felt sick.  Tuesday, I was fine and did catch up.  Wednesday, I was sick as a dog again and so on.  Today and tomorrow, I have Arthur in nursery for some much needed rest and couch camping.

I kept things pretty busy last week though.

I cooked a couple of outstanding meals and sent food off to the grandparents' house.  I did a simple beef stew with some of the vegetables I had left over from the homemade chicken soup that I made for grandma when she was sick the week before.  Then I did a crock pot lasagna over the weekend.  It turned out exceptionally good.  That recipe is a keeper!

Over the weekend, I did some household DIY... I did some research on indoor house plants provided by my friend Jared Bentley a few months ago when he posted this website on his Facebook:  Types of Houseplants That Clean Indoor Air.

Tuesday turned into a day full of organizing myself.  I wanted to get house chores set up on Google Calendar, inspired by Flylady and one other stay at home mom who's name escapes me.  That way, I can keep on top of things without resorting to triage and if I want to know what I'm doing chore-wise for the day, I can just ask my phone.

I also started looking into the Sure Start programs that they have around England.  Sure Start is a government program that gives parenting resources to care takers of small children.  Their services range from baby wellness examinations (sort of the replacement for US pediatrician visits), counseling, breastfeeding support groups, play groups and community service opportunities.  This is in addition to things to do at the Wigan Life Centre (i.e.-- the pool).

So I've got a pretty full schedule.

Monday mornings, Arthur and I will be attending a toddler arts & crafts class; afternoons, he goes over to Grandma's and in June there will be a play group session opening up that his grandparents could take him to if they wanted.

Tuesdays, Arthur goes to nursery.  However, when this next little one comes along, there is a mommy and infant exercise class in the morning and a breastfeeding support group in the afternoon... complete with lactation consultants to help with latching issues and the like.  There is also an afternoon story time.

Wednesdays, Arthur and I can go to the swimming pool.  In the afternoons, he goes to Grandma's and once again, there's a play group session available for them to attend if they choose.

On Thursday, there are two play group sessions... one in the morning and another in the afternoon.  There is also an evening class for me called 'Aquanatal', meant to be an ante-natal exercise class. After the next little one comes along, there is a baby massage class in the mornings.  Infant wellness check ups are done in the afternoons.

On Fridays, there is an art class that I plan to attend until the next little one comes along.  After the next little one arrives, there is another mommy and infant exercise class.  Arthur is usually in nursery on Fridays.

Then Saturday mornings after Arthur turns two, he'll be enrolled in a soccer class.

The play groups are really good.  I took Arthur to one last Thursday and was very impressed with all of the toys they had for infants and toddlers to explore.  They had crafts set up for older children.  Then after play time, there was clean up and fruit snacks for all of the kids.  When Arthur and I arrived, there were about fifteen other moms there and that number easily doubled by the time that we left.

I've got some additional classes coming in June that teaches about how the local school systems work and how to best prepare your children for those and then I also enrolled in a class for infant weaning.  I know I've pretty well done weaning already with Arthur, but I want to get some new ideas on how to do it better with this next child (not being scared to death of gagging would be a good start!).  Plus, its another opportunity for me to network and get to know other moms who have children around my children's ages.

In September there is a parenting class... more like a 'what to expect at labor and delivery' class and a breastfeeding workshop for expecting moms.

Then after both of my children are old enough to go to nursery, I will be taking another class to get a certification to become a teacher's aid and/or school volunteer.  Trying to get your kids into the right school takes a little bit of 'who you know'... so... using that as another networking opportunity to help my kids get into Woodfield Primary School.  Woodfield was the school that their dad went to when he was growing up and its considered among the best schools locally.

I'm actually also considering teaching... period... as a change of career once the kids are in school themselves.  I have a lot of time to figure out that part though.

Besides all of that is the question of how to get around to get all of that done?  Things where we live are pretty convenient, still within a mile of home, but England's not known for its great weather.  Then there's the fact that I'll have two babies to tote around to consider.  So I am also looking into driving classes and buying a car.

We started car shopping this past weekend.  I went to look at a Fiat 500 first because it was the car that we hired when Chris and I were in Italy and its a very fun car to drive.  But it only comes in two door and getting a rear facing infant in and out of it would be very tricky.  Mostly what I'm looking for in a car is a small foot print for getting around town and finding parking easily for; something with four doors so that small children are easily accessible; something that makes ingenious use of the interior for such of a small space, including the boot (trunk); and just about all cars of that class have an insane 50-70 MPG rating.  Right now, I'm looking at perhaps a Toyota Aygo or Yaris; a Citreon C-series; a Peugeot 107; a Fiat Panda; or a Nissan Pixo or perhaps even a Micra.

Then in the shorter term, as in this week, the Olympic Torch will be passing within one mile of our home.  I've been working up plans with Chris to walk out there as a family to watch it go by.  This weekend is the Queen's Diamond Jubilee and she's touring the nation.  Its not been released when exactly she'll be making her way through Wigan, but Chris and I will be seeing about going out to see her.  Then we also have the long awaited gender scan for our next little one.

Banana Nut Bread Recipe

Here's the recipe I followed for yesterday's scrumptious banana nut bread.  At first, I thought the person who wrote up the recipe was being a little pretentious, but honestly... they aren't kidding.  It is absolutely decadent!

Extreme Banana Nut Bread

Sometimes we all need a good cry

My husband hates it when I cry.  I don't cry too often.  In fact, its sometimes feels cathartic and therapeutic.  When it feels like the world is on my shoulders, it feels better just to let it all out sometimes.  I had been wanting a good cry ever since Arthur got sick with this plague that's been circulating, with all of its anxiety, worry, and sleep-deprivation fueled exhaustion and I finally got my cry on Saturday.

I cried over feeling so tired and run down.  I cried over feeling lonely.  I cried over not having anything to look forward to.  I cried because Arthur was refusing to go down for a nap and I yearned for some serious quiet time.  I cried because I couldn't get Arthur to eat or sleep, so what in the hell was I doing here...?  Chris came home and tried to be Mr. Fix-It, but I didn't want him to fix anything.  I just wanted some time and space to let it go.  I needed the steam valve on my pressure cooker.

I came to realize a couple of things over the weekend that I need to bear in mind for the future.

First, just a general reminder that, gods love him, but my husband can be a stubborn bulldog.  I totally get that he just wants to help and doesn't want to see me so upset.  He still doesn't quite get that sometimes I need to be sad so that I can work things out of my system to bounce right back again.  It's how I get back to balance.  I can't ignore it and I feel even more under pressure, like I have to be happy all of the time for my husband's sake.  And I'm pregnant... I'm supposed to be emotionally hormonal from time to time.

Second, my challenge while living in England is that I don't know what all the cool family things to do around here are.  While my husband is more happy with me planning the weekends, I come across this barrier of simply not knowing what's out there.  I need to be more proactive about making lists of things to do.

Third, I need to make some friends here.  Chris's friends are good folks, but they're still in the 'my husband's friends' zone without differentiating themselves as my friends.  I thought hanging out with my mother in law from time to time, augmented by keeping tabs on friends back in the US online would be enough.  It's not the same, however.  I'm going to try out the pre-natal swimming classes on Thursday and see if I can get out to meet other moms locally.

Fourth, doing things for others brings me up-- especially if I get to cook for them.  Its what got me through Friday, which was when I made some chicken soup from scratch for my mother in law.  She's caught Arthur's illness and I took the opportunity on Friday to let her know how much we cared for her-- made her the soup, got her a card, got her some flowers and went for a visit to cheer her up.  Then on Sunday, I made some banana nut bread... since Arthur hadn't eaten his bananas all week and they were going off.  I'm not a fantastic cook and the kitchen we're in now isn't all that great for cooking, but I do okay with what I've got.

Fifth, things do get better after a good cry, almost immediately.  It was still a rough day, but I found the steam to get out to Ikea with my husband and an over-tired toddler.  We braved the crowds and two melt downs in public.  After that, I felt pretty invincible.  I felt like things could just roll off my back so much easier.

While Saturday was a trying day, Sunday was domestic bliss.  Arthur gave us about six hours straight to sleep.  My husband let me lay in until I got up at 7.  I made egg sandwiches for breakfast.  Arthur's appetite started bouncing back.  My husband and I were lock step as a team.  I got the banana nut bread made and it was scrumptious.  We visited the grandparents and delivered some of the banana nut bread to them.  We got home and I took Arthur to the park while Chris added another shelf in the living room.  Arthur took a good afternoon nap.  I made dinner and we had a good family dinner together.

In all, both my husband and I got to do some things that made us each feel fulfilled.  Arthur's recovering from his sickness and we're starting to get our little boy back.  Even though I cried, the weekend ended on an up note.

Anything Goes Stuffed Bell Pepper Recipe

I always accidently over buy fresh vegetables and then I'm scrambling to get it all used up before it goes off.  One of my favorite go to recipes to solve this problem is 'Anything Goes Stuffed Bell Peppers'.  With this recipe as its titled, really anything goes... you're an adult, you know what tastes good together.  With this recipe, of course, wash your bell peppers and cut them in halves.  Poke a few holes into the bottom of each bell pepper bowl so that any extra juices can drain out.  Arrange the bell pepper bowls on a foil tray.

Coarsely chop all of the fresh vegetables that you want to use.  In this case, I had loads of mushrooms, a little bit of onion and added one chopped bell pepper.  Not pictured but included in this batch was also cherry tomatoes.

Pull out that food processor that you haven't used since you were making your toddler's baby food.  Yah, that dusty old thing kept in the very back of that cabinet that's just out of reach.  Mince down all of the veg.

You should have a mostly dry mixture like shown here when finished.  Add any spices that you want to include.  In this round, I used two teaspoons of garlic salt, some ground peppercorn, and one Oxo beef bullion cube.  Stir these dry-ish ingredients all together.

Take some pre-bagged rice and follow the instructions for making the rice, but cut the cook time in half so that the rice is 'al dente'.  This rice is going to be added to the mixture to help soak up extra juices and retain some nice flavor.  In this case, I used Uncle Ben's quick rice cooked for 5 minutes rather than the 10 minutes recommended in the instructions.

Add one egg and then ground beef to the mixture.  Egg helps bind it and lends some flavor.  In place of beef, almost any meat can be used really.  Then really get in there with your hands and mush it all together until its homogeneous.  Stir in the partially cooked rice until its all an even mix.  Then stuff your bell pepper bowls.  Preheat the oven to 190 degrees and set the tray in for 20-30 minutes, depending on how much crisp on top you want on your stuffed bells.  Definitely cook it to the point where it passes the fork test and the juices are running clear.

Chances are, you'll have some stuffing left over.  These can be made into meatballs and pan fried.  Or you can make a meat loaf out of the extra easily.

In this case, I made a meat loaf with the extra stuffing.  Rather than boring old ketchup, I used a little bit of BBQ Sauce and a little bit of HP Sauce-- I planned on giving this meat loaf to the grandparents as a huge thank you for watching my son yesterday while I showered, napped, and cooked this dinner, and grandpa's a big fan of HP Sauce. 

And here's what hubby had waiting for him when he got home!  A delight for the senses!  And all of the extra veg I bought got used before it went off!  What I also really like about this recipe is that beef is really expensive in England. With this recipe, I used 4 premade hamburger patties (they were on summertime sale and pound for pound were cheaper) and stretched the meat with the veg and rice to two meals for two adults and a child.

What are your go-to recipes when you've accidently over-bought on something?

Homemade Pedialyte Recipe

A good friend of mine passed this weblink to me this morning... a simple recipe for more or less home made Pedialyte.  Pedialyte isn't sold in the UK, and I'm not familiar with the English equivalent.  I'll likely give this a go later today, mixing it with some of my flavored water, since Arthur loves drinking whatever Mummy is drinking.

Oral Re-hydration Solutions:  Made at Home

Week Derailed

It's been a rocky week with my son Arthur being sick.  He's had a stomach virus for the past week and a half.  I could barely get Arthur to eat... finding myself at the receiving end of the good picky toddler eating advice I try to give others, and not doing too well with it this time around.  About all I can get him to eat is Cheerios and follow on milk.  At a grazing rate at best.

Monday got very interesting because Arthur started vomiting and so he had it coming out of both ends. Concerned about his hydration, my husband and I made the call to take Arthur into A&E (Emergency Room).  He was weighed, temperature taken, blood pressure and heart rate taken, and his blood sugar was measured with a heel prick by the nurse.  His sugars looked good.  We waited to see the doctor.  She more or less gave him a full physical, checking to see how well his skin plumped back, checking his abdomen and his little boy parts.  Everything looked fine, though she wanted to consult her seniors.

About fifteen minutes later, a nurse shows up with a cup for a urine sample.  Okay... definitely different from what would have happened back in the US (they would have cath'd him immediately and then I may have had a small battle to fight to make sure they didn't retract him in the process since he's an intact little boy), but I'm willing to try less invasive ways of getting urine samples.  Let me tell you... convincing a 15 month old to pee in a cup at 1:15am in the morning is a true challenge.  I'll give you a hint: get him drinking.

We struggled with this as Arthur didn't like the nipples on the hospital bottles; they didn't have sippy cups on hand; and he was refusing anything from a syringe.  They were about to admit Arthur into the hospital for the night if we couldn't get him to drink.  I sent my husband home to get a sippy cup while I soothed our sorely over tired toddler.  Arthur gleefully started drinking chilled water from his sippy cup and then the magic happened... I got him to pee in a cup.

We got enough urine to test and they did find a little something, so he was sent home with some antibiotics.  I didn't start him on the antibiotic until today since I wasn't sure if he was over his vomiting.  Tuesday, he would have gone to nursery, but I held him back because I thought he was too sick to go.  He did vomit again last night, not nearly as bad as on Monday.  And then he vomited again today when he was at his grandparent's house for a few hours while I got a shower and caught up on sleep.

We have another doctor's appointment set up tomorrow morning to make sure she's informed of what happened on Monday and to get some further advice.  The A&E doctor wanted us to get Arthur to drink sugary drinks, but he's refused anything but follow on formula.  Eating solids hasn't improved either.  And I'm concerned because Arthur is looking skinnier.

At times, Arthur even rejects the follow on milk.  Its like he's gained a sense of how much he can drink now before getting ill.  Consequently, I've been having to talk and cuddle him to sleep rather than being able to let him fall drowsy on the bottle.  This isn't a terribly bad thing-- I've been wanting to bottle wean him at nap time and bedtime at his pace anyways and this sickness is certainly accelerating that pace.

I'll sit still, Indian style, with Arthur positioned in my lap exactly as if I were nursing him.  I cannot relate the number of times I still wished I nursed him, especially since he's so ill anyways.  Both the comfort and the nutrition would do a world of good for him.  Its even possible he wouldn't have gotten sick in the first place if he was still drinking my milk.  My husband tells me, I shouldn't blame myself-- we didn't have nearly the amount of support that we have now.

So tonight I came to a decision and its a bit unconventional, but you know what?  It certainly couldn't do any harm.  When my next baby arrives in October and once this baby and I have nursing down, I'm going to start giving Arthur my milk again.

And while that's out there, I'll say something else too.  I am doing placenta encapsulation-- by hand, out of my own kitchen even.  If it prevents the PND (PPD) that I experienced with Arthur and boosts my milk supply, more power to me.  It shouldn't harm me, nor anyone else.  So, I'm going to do it.  I made that decision several weeks ago but have been sheepish about saying much on it.

Time Magazine's May 2012 Cover - The Power of Social Conditioning

First off, to those who have already commented and wouldn’t know me from Jane, I am a mother, a lactivist, and an attachment parenting evangelical.  So, you can prolly guess what lines my response will follow.  However, I also want to invite some critical thinking on a subject that underscores all of this:  social conditioning.

Humans, by nature, are social creatures.  We are wired that way.  It is at the essence of what makes humans, as competing creatures on this planet, so darn successful and it’s a very strong part of what makes us-- human.  What social mores are imprinted at infancy and through out childhood determines our morals, values, and judgements we make as adults.  ‘Evil’ things have come from social conditioning such as child soldiers, cult followings, those sort of aspects.  Many ‘good’ things have come from social conditioning as well: rights of man, the rule of law, etiquette, religion, etc.

Right.  Having said that, I think it’s already been mentioned how sexualized women’s breasts are in Western society.  Consider for how many generations this has been going on.  Consider what Eastern and African societies say to this.  Consider any personal discomfort that you have towards seeing a baby nursing and seeing a 5 year old nursing.  Don’t fear any discomfort you might feel, just be honest about it to yourself about it, even if it is outright revulsion.  Its okay to feel discomfort—that’s because women’s breasts as a sexual fetish is pretty well institutionalized in our society.  This is the result of social conditioning—much like babies aren’t born racist—it’s learned… social conditioning is VERY powerful.  And then consider that even held latent in our own language there is evidence that nursing and even extended nursing (nursing beyond the age of 6 months, or 1 year) was once a normal part of everyday life for everyone.

Women are made to bare and nurse children.  WHO’s offered some guidelines on how long to nurse… it was once 6 months, then 1 year, now 2 years ‘and beyond’.  They keep bumping out this guideline as more and more scientific evidence comes to light (preventing disease, some forms of cancer, obesity, development disorders), that negates what’s been social practice for many generations and it’ll keep getting bumped out until we get into the neighbourhood of when children are meant to wean, by nature, as more societies become more comfortable with extended breastfeeding.

Do you remember when you were a kid and the tooth fairy came to visit?  You might have been somewhere between the age of five and eight.  Do you remember what they called those teeth that the tooth fairy came to collect?  They were called, “milk teeth”.  Do you ever wonder why in the hell would anyone call them ‘milk teeth’?  Because women in Western society at one point, around the origin of our language, was nursing children until they were five to eight.  Mind you, children don’t nurse as often as babies and toddlers do since their primary source of nutrition is food like what the adults eat—not even once per day.  But nurse they shall for comfort, closeness, proximity, and for the natural relaxants found in prolactin.

Speaking of great hormones like prolactin, I want to talk about oxytocin.  A gentleman above already suggested that extended breastfeeding was akin to child molestation; based on the social perception that breastfeeding is sexual in nature.  I want to introduce a very fascinatingly true view upon that—nursing is sexual.  But not in the strict sense one may assume right off the bat.

Nursing kicks off a chain reaction of psycho-physical events that releases many hormones—prolactin, to produce more milk is one.  Oxytocin is another.  Oxytocin is responsible for the BIG O in women (for a long time, was my FAVORITE hormone, just for this reason alone!); it’s also a big part of what kicks off labor; and one of its most important roles—it is the bonding hormone.  Ever wonder why she likes a cuddle after sex?

Ever heard of some full term pregnant women initiating sex with their partner or doing nipple stimulation to kick start labor?  Post partum, nursing helps the mom’s uterus get back into shape in the same way that labor is kicked off, by causing the uterus to contract and shrink down in response to oxytocin that’s released during nursing.  But then, nursing also encourages bonding and imprinting between mother and baby as more oxytocin, the bonding hormone, is released while nursing.  I encourage independent research of studies comparing how close and confident breastfeeding mothers feel towards their children versus bottle feeding mothers—how long it took for each on average to feel bonded with their babies.  Oxytocin affects a woman’s sexual organs—same organs responsible for carrying and sustaining a child.

Therefore, nursing is sexual—but part of a larger cycle wherein it’s viewed that conception, pregnancy, delivery, and child rearing is included along with the sexual encounter itself.  Not in a way where the mother is sexually attracted to her child or vice versa (many women who have experienced nursing can vouch for how false that notion is), but rather in the way that this larger lifecycle is completed and brought full circle.

To bring social conditioning back into this monologue, we are socially conditioned to view the breast as strictly for sexual encounters—to the point where a knee jerk reaction above assumes that breastfeeding beyond a certain age is child molestation.  I understand where that perception comes from and I’d probably share in that myself to this day, had I not become a breastfeeding mother.  Extended breastfeeding is a subject that not many research until they’re faced with that question, much like many finer points in parenting in general.  However, I do want to assure readers that it’s natural for children to self wean between the ages of five and seven when the children are left to their own devices (and if the mother is willing!).  Nursing as children is far less frequent than nursing as babies or toddlers—they may nurse once a fortnight, if that.


Imagine a workplace where a woman is fired because she needed bathroom breaks to change her tampon.  That wouldn’t fly as a part of sexual discrimination and equality protections.  However, it is reasonably the state for working mothers who want to provide breast milk for their children.  A little known blessing from the Affordable Healthcare Act is that employers must provide breastfeeding mothers with a private space that is not the bathroom to pump and store her breastmilk (Would you eat in a public john?  Please don’t ask a woman to nurse or pump there.).  This is groundbreaking in the American workplace.  It demonstrates an investment—not just in working moms—but in their kids too.  And that’s where I believe feminism needs to head.

Okay, let me back track to more science lessons.  Among mammals, there is roughly two types of mammalian lactation strategies… you’ve got your ‘clutch feeders’ and you’ve got your ‘frequent feeders’.  By design, ‘clutch feeders’ have more fats and proteins in their milk to keep their young well fed and sated while the mother goes out and forages for food for herself while her litter stays all together in their clutch.  She might return 2-3 times per day to nurse her young.

In comparison, ‘frequent feeders’ have much lower fat and protein content in their milk, but higher carbohydrates and even higher levels of cholesterol.  This different strategy requires the mother to keep her young with her as they need to feed much more frequently to stay sated and well fed.  This is the strategy that most very socially evolved mammals follow—all of the primates, for example.  It is the milk content that builds more evolved brains.  It’s the strategy that humans were designed to follow, as inconvenient as it can be.  Human mothers must nurse every 2-3 hours, at times even more frequently than that, until her baby begins taking nutrition from other sources.

So, (human) women are frequent nursers—it is a part our biological strategy for success, and encouraging brain development, defending against disease, building and teaching about human relationships, developing empathy, demonstrating and teaching social rules besides mere nutrition is only the beginning of what nursing does for us as a species.

Okay—this is where I need to be careful in framing what I’m about to say next because I’m disinterested in expressing a view that disparages mothers who have chosen bottle feeding.  When speaking in terms of feminism, I don’t believe there needs to be a distinction between bottle feeding moms and breastfeeding moms (or the old working moms versus stay at home moms arguments).  I do believe feminism as it stands today is a very narrow view because it doesn’t fully incorporate the complete totality of motherhood.  There are far many feminists who view nursing as the chain and children as their masters.  In my view, that’s simply not true.  Feminism (and women’s rights… and by extension children’s rights) are not slices that come out of a finite pie.  It’s only as finite as one is willing to advocate for it.

With that said… the fight for inexpensive and easily available contraception is only the first step.  The fight for when a woman gets to choose whether or not she becomes a mother is the next step.  A step that got overlooked or lost along the way is the mother choosing strictly how she will treat her pregnancy and delivery, should she choose that path for herself.  And finally the fight for a woman to complete her natural lifecycle.

Here we bring in, once again, social conditioning.  In Western society, we are by the large part socially conditioned to believe that breastfeeding is a choice because bottle feeding is a readily available alternative.  Formula hasn’t always been around however.  What do you think happened in those times before we had formula manufacturers such as Abbott Labs, Nestle, and Mead Johnson, just to name a few?

Women don’t choose to lactate after pregnancy.  It just happens as a natural consequence of pregnancy, just like she doesn’t choose to menstruate as a natural consequence of puberty.  Lactation is not a choice.

Certainly, you’ll hear stories of women who’s milk ‘never came in’ and in about 95% of those stories, the root cause is poor breastfeeding support at birth and in the first few critical weeks post partum.  The number one contributor to poor breastfeeding support is sabotage done by formula manufacturers.  Go ahead and do some independent research on it—it won’t take too long to find evidence of marketing fraud.  Bonus points to those who find references of these practices in business ethnics textbooks widely used today at colleges and universities.

We’ve endured generations of this sabotage that has promoted breastfeeding in public as disgusting, shameful and extended breastfeeding as taboo; it has promoted that breastfeeding is more difficult than bottle feeding; it has promoted that breastfeeding is a choice; and the worst thing its promoted—the false notion that formula is just as reasonably good for children as breastmilk.

Nursing is what women are designed for and should not be left in the dust as far as feminism is concerned.  Nursing moms, extended maternity, child care vouchers, indeed should all be advocated and supported.

We’re not just investing in women when we do this—we’re also investing in children.  We are investing in our future.  This is a long term investment of at least eighteen years for each child.  Some countries, however, who are investing in nursing moms, extended maternity, and child care vouchers are enjoying some shorter returns on their investments.  Norway does this best, imho.  For 1 krone invested in programs that support breastfeeding moms, maternity leave, and child care vouchers, Norway gets back in tax revenue from working moms 1.45 krones.  What a GREAT investment for keeping those moms productive and their children healthy.

Anyone want to talk about Attachment Parenting?  In spite of Time Magazine’s cover, the bulk of the issue is about AP (and that’s far from ‘Auto Pilot’ parenting Ken rants about frequently ;-)).  But I think I said everything I wanted to say about the breastfeeding portion.

Oh yah, one more thing.  The mom in that picture?  She wasn’t happy that Time chose that particular photo of her from the 4 mothers they did photograph and the many sessions that she herself did.  But she is glad the subject is getting some much needed attention, as provocative as it is.  I hope that other advocates of nursing, nursing in public, extended breastfeeding, and attachment parenting like myself do speak up; do feel brave enough educate; to not fall back defensively in advocating women’s and children’s rights; and do challenge the effects of social conditioning.

Baltic Amber – It’s Not Just for Teething

I’ve spent several years working for the health foods industry.  It was my first ‘real’ job (that wasn’t babysitting), first as a cashier for a health food store in Houston called Ye Seekers… which developed into assistant manager, then cosmetics, bakery/coffee shop, and waitress.  I was the Jill of all Trades there for a bit.  Then in the past decade working as the internet manager of a small health food store in Chorley, England that had a website called yourhealthfoodstore.co.uk.  I worked there for about a year.

So, I’ve always had an interest in trying new things, alternative therapies, vitamins, etc., but I’ve also kept a wary eye for snake oil.  I still distrust Acai Berry and Chondroitin/Glucosamine supplements.  Magnetic bracelets?  Really?  So I was skeptical when I considered Baltic Amber teething necklaces as a solution for my son.

I went ahead and gave it a try.  A few mothers I knew swore up and down that they worked.  I figured, at worse, we’ll have some pretty jewelry.

Please note: there’s currently restrictions on the trade of Baltic Amber Jewelry for children in the UK and EU.  This doesn’t affect the US.  Visit this site for more details.

I purchased a teething anklet for my son and picked up a matching necklace for myself.  While I haven’t been very good about keeping the anklet on my son so much, I can vouch for what my Baltic Amber necklace has done for me.

I began suffering from Carpel Tunnel Syndrome when I became pregnant again.  Likely, I already had it but that it was simply exasperated by my pregnancy.  I had debilitating numbness and nearly painful pins and needles.  It was becoming increasingly and alarmingly more difficult to do tasks that required fine motor skills in my hand like writing, turning a key in the door, or opening bottles.  Sometimes it seemed like my hand stopped working all together.

I tried the necklace and noticed some improvement over the next few days.  The incidence of pins and needles reduced.  The points when it seemed like my hand would stop working ended.  Any numbness I have is now only in my ring and pinky fingers and there are many days when I go without numbness, completely forgetting that I have Carpel Tunnel.  And I notice it on days when I forget to put my necklace back on after showering.

So, if it helps me this much with my Carpel Tunnel, I’m convinced it helps babies and toddlers through those teething years.

When choosing Baltic Amber, select lighter cloudier more ‘raw’ stones—these have a higher concentration of succinic acid, which is the compound thought to be responsible for the analgesic effect of this jewelry.

My favorite US retailers are Inspired by Finn and Hazelaid.

And my favorite UK retailer is Dino-Daisy.

Medications and Breastfeeding

A very quick post, mostly because this was posted on my Facebook wall and I didn’t want to lose track of these resources.

Via Peaceful Parenting, the following are some resources on breastfeeding and medications for those interested. Dr. Hale and Dr. Newman both have extensive expertise and study in these areas.

• Dr. Tom Hale's research on breastfeeding and medications
• Dr. Jack Newman's literature on breastfeeding and medications
• Breastfeeding Basics: Drugs & Breastfeeding
• World Health Organization on breastfeeding and medications
• Medications and Mother's Milk [Book]

Tantrums

What Tantrums Are

Tantrums are uncontrolled outbursts of anger, frustration, and sadness typically by children.  They are characterized as following a regular pattern and flow when left unchecked.

• Phase 1:  Yelling and Screaming
• Phase 2:  Physical Actions
• Phase 3:   Crying and Whining

So, what’s going on with children who fall into tantrums?

Big Emotions, Small Child

A mistake a lot of people make is assuming that children are like tiny adults.  This is so far from the fact of the matter.  Babies, children, and toddlers do not have the brain chemistry and wiring to deal with their emotions.  Emotions left unchecked, as many adults can certainly attest to, are very overwhelmingly powerful things, especially anger, frustration and sadness.  The portion of the brain responsible for keeping tantrums in line, the Prefrontal Cortex, doesn’t really come ‘online’ until 12 months of age.

Impulse and Emotional Control in Children

The Prefrontal Cortex is the part of the brain that manages organizing thoughts, problem solving, considering consequences, adapting behaviour as the environment changes, impulse control, adjusting powerful emotions, inhibiting inappropriate behaviour and a host of other functions that have an obvious relationship to children navigating tantrums.  There are other major stages of development for this area of the brain usually about every two to three years there after (at age 1, 3, 6 and so on…) and it isn’t finished growing until a person is around 25 years of age.

The Prefrontal Cortex also helps redirect signals to listening and speech related areas of the brain.  This is the reason toddlers and children have such of a difficult time communicating while in the midst of a tantrum… they simply do not have the wiring yet to set aside emotions long enough to articulate speech effectively.

What Doesn’t Work – Proven by Millions of Moms Everywhere!

Many ‘child experts’ who typically recommend parent-needs-focused baby training such as cry it out, controlled crying, and feeding routines also tend to give bad advice about how to handle tantrums as well.  The advice is ‘bad’ because it doesn’t focus on what the child needs; its often contrary to parental instinct and consequently sensitive and empathetic parents feel awful about doing these things; and its proven time and time again that these methods merely escalate tantrums through their full cycle.

These ‘experts’ tell parents, teachers, care givers, and other roles responsible for children to ignore tantrums.  Tantrums are not power plays by children to control their parents as many of these ‘experts’ will have their readers believe.  A child who is not in control of their own emotions simply cannot control a situation and manipulate an adult.  It just defies logic.  Kids are bright, but they don’t have the wiring yet to be that bright!  Further, adults are wiser, better equipped, and should maintain control of themselves during a tantrum.

Some ‘experts’ even tell parents and related roles to laugh at their child’s tantrums, or to mock them, or to even punish them.  Yup, makes perfect sense to do something to wind up a child even more when they’re already angry, frustrated, and sad.  Or worse, to teach children that corporal punishment solves problems.  As an adult when you’re unhappy about something and then someone comes up and humiliates you, how do you feel about that?  You’re the adult who has the wiring to put a cap on your emotions.  Children simply have not had the time you've had to develop that.

Mothers who use these methods consistently report that their child’s tantrums may last anywhere from a half hour to a few hours.  This is not natural and is not healthy for the child, nor the care-takers.

Also be aware that children who were raised with ‘cry it out’ sleeping methods often have altered brain wiring and chemistry where they are predisposed towards not coping well with stress.  The experience has taught these children that only by escalating their tantrums or otherwise practicing learned helplessness can they cope with the rigors of emotional outbursts.

Either way, all that the child learns is that his needs are unimportant.  Or just as bad, the child learns that she has to escalate tantrums even further in order to solve problems.  At the end of the day, children parented under this advice have delays in developing their impulse control, their control over emotions, and in critical problem solving skills, besides issues with self esteem.

Each and every tantrum is a potential learning and growing experience that is lost any time a child’s tantrum is ignored, laughed at, mocked, or punished.

What Works for Me

The program I’ve been following for helping my son through his temper tantrums is actually a hybrid of many other methods, motherly advice, conventional wisdom, common sense, personal experience, and my own instincts.  Tantrums can be a force of nature, to be sure, but they can also be managed and you can provide your child with the tools she needs to help her learn to control her self.

For young toddlers starting out in the temper tantrum phase, the solution is:  Prevent, Intervene, and Redirect.  For older children who have more words to use and more cognitive ability, the solution has two more items added to it: Problem Solving and Revisiting.  Here’s a break down of each step.

Prevent

Make sure your child is well rested, isn’t hungry or thirsty, is free of discomfort, and feels secure and engaged.

It nearly goes without saying that the number one method for preventing tantrums is ensuring your child is well rested, as over-tired cranky kids are much more prone to outbursts than well rested children.

If your child is hungry or thirst to the point of discomfort, of course it is going to affect their mood!  How do you feel when you’re hungry or thirsty?  It likely makes you just a tad cranky.

Free of discomfort includes ensuring your child is clean with clean clothes appropriate for the temperature as well as treating any sicknesses and ailments that are common to childhood—colds, teething, etc.  A child who feels physically uncomfortable is more prone to tantrum.

And finally, making sure the child feels secure.  Children who are in a loving, caring environment where they trust that they can depend on the people caring for them will simply have less reason to tantrum.  Further, if children feel engaged and are actively present in their environment, they will be less prone to tantrum if they otherwise feel ignored or unimportant.

Intervene

Each and every child has their own behavioural cues that indicate an incoming tantrum.  Close observation of your child as well as digging in deep into your own parenting instincts will reveal these cues to you.  Don’t be afraid to trust your gut!

In my son’s case, before a tantrum begins he starts in on mischief.  However it’s without humour—it’s done more with frustration, based on his body posture, facial expressions and general air around him.

When you see the on-coming storm… before the pin is pulled from that hand grenade… intervene.  Get right into that child’s space, as close to eye level as possible and ask him “What’s going on?”  Usually simply asking that question interrupts that child’s train of thought and the tantrum is prevented before it even begins.

Further, it’s just one of those fundamental facts of life that children generally respond very well when they feel connected to their care provider who shows empathy, compassion and care—kids thrive on it.

Most importantly, remain calm, compassionate and connected.  Kids may not yet be completely wired for controlling their very powerful emotions, but they are certainly wired for empathy… they are very quick to pick up on an adult’s true emotions.

Redirect

Sometimes, I miss my son’s starter cues and miss the opportunity to intervene which is easy to do in situations such as being out in public when I’m paying attention to other things.  Then my son will start to fuss on that roller coaster ride upwards towards a tantrum.  Most times, I have only a few seconds to act and I usually act with redirection.  Redirection is moving the child’s attention from one focal point, such as their in-coming storm of emotions, to a different focal point… usually something outside of him in the environment.

There are so many creative applications to redirection; the limits are only those you place on them.  Redirection can be as simply as introducing a different toy to your toddler to telling your child, ‘hey let’s do something else for a moment…’ to grab their attention and begin redirecting it outside of themselves.

Over time, children… even young toddlers… learn to redirect themselves.  If intervention and redirection becomes a habit that pauses the child when they reach a certain emotional level while riding that tantrum tide, they will pause to look outward for distraction.  Many mothers I know who practice methods similar to what I advocate here have witnessed this, and I’ve even witnessed it in my own 14 month old toddler.  This later develops into skills for delaying gratification and self control that will help the child academically and then professionally.

For children who don’t have the words or the age appropriate problem solving skills yet, this is often the point where this lesson ends, except for if you missed your redirection opportunity.  I’ll explain a bit more below how to gently manage your child through the physical stage of tantrums into the final stage.

Problem Solve

For older children with the language skills and age appropriate cognitive ability to creatively solve problems, tantrum management can provide a wealth of learning and growing.  Once the child is redirected and while you still have their attention, ask the child, “what result do you want to see from this situation?” while maintaining eye contact in the child’s space and thus connection and empathy to the child.

Then help guide that child to some creative solutions.  This may be more difficult for children who are new to these methods or who are otherwise not accustomed to being asked these questions and asked to think and respond in this way.  So in the beginning, you’ll likely be doing more coaching and guiding.  Eventually, the child will have her own ideas on how to solve the problem.  And then later tantrums are prevented because the child becomes more practiced at solving problems before emotions escalate.

Further, this practice increases the child’s awareness of others and their environment.  They actively participate in making better behavioural and social decisions.  This boosts their confidence and self esteem while boosting your trust in their decision making ability.

Revisit

Sometime later that day, revisit the tantrum situation with the child.  Ask him about what he was feeling and thinking at the start, during and after the situation.  Ask her about anything she thought or felt about the situation in the hours after.  Ask her what she thought about the solutions the two of you worked together on.  From a problem solving and learning perspective, revisiting the issues hours after heads have cooled and everyone has the benefit of hindsight seals the learning experience.

When Intervention and Redirection is Missed

It happens to the best of us… we miss the opportunity to help our child pause and redirect the anger, frustration, and sadness they feel with an on-coming tantrum.  The pin is pulled and that hand grenade goes off, explosively.  After yelling and screaming, the child begins the second phase of tantrums—physical action.  It is critically important to remain calm, connected, and empathetic to help guide the child quickly from physical action into the third stage of crying and whimpering.

During the physical action stage, there is no room for reasoning with the child.  Their emotions have so overwhelmed them that they absolutely loose their temper and their control, exhibiting behaviours that their Prefrontal Cortex would otherwise inhibit.  Stay near the child, in that child’s personal space as much as you can and resume as much eye contact as possible.  Help move things that could harm the child out of their way.  It is a very tricky prospect to both remain calm and connected and to help the child keep from harming himself and others.  Leading by example with self control speaks volumes to the child after the tantrum when revisiting the situation later.

Watch very carefully for an opportunity to take the child up in your arms to hold him.  The sooner you get that child into your arms, the faster she will be able to gain control of herself again.  This might take some quick action and nimble feet as well as some other gentle physical actions to help calm the child enough to where it is safe enough to hold her.  Rub her back and shoulders.  Talk to her soothingly and with empathy, acknowledging the anger, frustration, and sadness.

When the child seems to be moving on from that distressful peak, take her in your arms and hold her over your shoulder.  Trust your gut when timing this as quickly as possible.  Tell your child soothing, loving things while continuing to rub his back.

“I’m sorry you’re upset.  I’m holding you because I love you and I don’t want you to harm yourself.  I saw that [situation] happened and it would upset me too.  Let’s calm down and figure out how to make it all better.”

You may need to repeat this phrase a number of times before the message gets through to the child.  Bear in mind that their cap on controlling their emotions is blown, it’s the same area of the brain that helps redirect traffic to listening and speaking.  So it may be literally impossible for the child to hear you or to respond until they’ve calmed enough to let that information flow again.

‘Sssshh!’ or sing a song or sway if he seems to escalate his tantrum again, almost like redirection.  With practice, the second and third phases will go much faster.

Once the child has reached the third phase where the tantrum is reduced to crying or whimpering, it is much easier to re-engage that child in intervention and redirection techniques.  And in all cases, do revisit the issue.  Talk to the child about what he felt, thought and did and how in the future she can help herself not get so upset.

A child who is new to these methods or who has the experience of cry-it-out and controlled crying will take longer at first to soothe.  I’ve been practicing these methods with my son specifically for two months.  At first, it took about 5-10 minutes to bring him down from physical action into full calm.  For a while, I didn’t think I could ever take my son out for shopping or lunch.  Now it takes me less than 2 minutes to bring him back down again in the rare cases when he gets to that point.  In public, it seems longer of course!  But I keep an eye on my watch briefly to reassure myself that it isn’t the eternity that it feels like it is.  That helps me keep calm and confidence—and the child on your shoulder will feel that!

One more thing:  It is okay, if you are losing control of your emotions, to set the child down safely and take a couple of minutes to compose yourself.  Learn to identify in yourself when you are reaching a crisis point when dealing with your child’s tantrums and intervene and redirect yourself before you get that upset.  You cannot possibly guide the child to calm when you’re not feeling calm yourself—children are empathetic and they do feed off of your emotions, positive or negative.  Think of the long term beneficial effects of using these gentle methods rather than resorting to ignoring or punishing the child for his tantrum.  Think of the lessons you want to teach by example.  And in those couple of minutes when you’re feeling calmer, take a few deep breaths, then reconnect and re-engage.

Also, if my son loses control of himself in public and someone gives me stink eye over it, I give them stink eye right back.  All children have had a tantrum at one point or another in public.  Some random person at some point in that person’s life had to sit by while that person as a child had their outburst.  That person can pay it forward just a bit.  If that person says something, remind them of that, calmly and stand your ground.  We no longer live in an age where children are merely seen and never heard.

Every Day Applications

My son loves books.  Each time we go out, I bring a book with us to use for consistent quick redirection.

If my son begins to get fussy in a restaurant, I’ll take him outside for a brief three minute walk to give him a needed change of scenery.

Many of these techniques can be used in other specific circumstances such as toddler hitting or biting.

At home, I get my son involved in playing ball—throwing the ball into a laundry hamper for 'goals!' to work out that negative energy, move him past frustration, and onto something positive.

I noticed an immediate decrease in the frequency of my son’s tantrums when I improved his sleep by moving his bedtime from 8:30pm to 6:30pm and coaxing him back to sleep if he’s napped for less than an hour during the day.

When diaper changes brought on tantrums, I tried distracting my son with toys, books, or whatever he was willing to take in his hands at first.  That didn't work all of the time, but a good portion of the time.  I also sang and whistled songs to him while changing him.  That usually keeps his attention long enough to get the job done.  But I think what worked best was that I started making a big deal about 'good diaper changes' where he stayed still for most of it and that seemed to have the most positive impact.  Just telling him, “that was a good diaper change!” and cheering, hugging and clapping my hands for him had immediate positive effects.  If it wasn't a good diaper change, I didn't say anything.  And a couple of times when it seemed like he wanted to wriggle away, I'd remind him, “Don’t you want a good diaper change?”  That would be enough to deter my son from escalating into a tantrum.

My son used to tantrum over clothes changes.  To some extent, its understandable… changing clothes interrupts more important toddler things to do.  What I did to deter tantrums while changing clothes is by making it into a game at first.  Now it’s become a ritual and my son knows fully what to expect during clothes changes which helps him maintain a grip on himself if he’s cranky or if he thinks he has more important things to do.  I have the spoken routine memorized:  “Up and over the head!  Okay, where's that hand, where's that hand, where's that—oh there it is!  Okay, where's the other hand?  There it is!  Now stand for the pippity pops (snapping together the buttons on the onesey) ... count with me, that's one pippity pop, two pippity pops aaaand three pippity pops.  Okay, let’s put on the shirt--up and over the head... and where's the hand... good stuff!  And where's the other hand?  Yippie!  Now lets put on the pants... where's the foot, where's the foot?  Oh there it is!  *tickle, tickle, laugh and snuggle*  Now where's the other foot?  There it is!”  *tickle, tickle*

References and Inspiration

• NPR:  The Anatomy of a Tantrum
• Psychology Today:  Childhood as an Impulse Disorder, Part 2
• US Dept of Health and Public Services:  Maturation of the Prefrontal Cortex
• Dr. Sears:  Temper Tantrums (6 articles provided)
• Dr. Sears:  Science Says Excessive Crying Could Be Harmful
• Pinky McKay:  The Con of Controlled Crying